Part of the reason I didn't write anything in January is because I was sick on and off for weeks. Then, the mother load hit and I was in bed for a week with some nasty mix of a sinus infection and strep throat. Thankfully the Lord has blessed me with doctors for roommates, so I was able to get diagnosed from home and then treated with free antibiotics. Yay for at home treatment!
The weeks prior to this I had been dealing a lot with feeling like I wasn't doing enough here as a "missionary." I call this the missionary guilt. It's this resonating feeling that you need to prove yourself to everyone who is supporting you at home. That you need to have all these amazing stories to write about in your updates, or on your blog, and if not you aren't doing your job. This feeling was coming to a climax right before I got really sick. I hadn't been very healthy all month, which was keeping me home on the couch when I wasn't traveling, which was then making me feel like I wasn't connecting with people in Bratislava, which was then making me feel like I didn't have purpose... and you get the picture. Then came January 26. I had a fully packed schedule here in BA, and I was feeling really good about that... Feeling like I had purpose. But of course, what happens? I wake up sick... again. I was so pissed. I had to cancel most of my meetings on Monday, stayed in bed Tuesday, Wednesday we had our girl's small group, and on Thursday I was supposed to go out of town to visit a youth group and be a part of their Kecy Club. I totally remember telling the girls Wednesday night, "I'm really looking forward to going to Levice tomorrow because I've felt really lazy all week, and this will make me feel like I'm doing something..." And of course I woke up even worse Thursday morning, had to cancel my trip, and was then in bed for 5 days.
During this forced time in bed God began to show me how ridiculous I had been. How I was working for man, working for my salvation... I had totally taken everything into my own hands and was living in fear of other people's judgment. He reminded me how He is the one who called me here, so I should rest in knowing He has a plan and is in total control of it all. It was a much needed wake up call. And although I can't say now that I've totally shed the missionary guilt, it definitely sneaks up from time to time, but I do remember to check myself each day: I am only where I am because of God, to serve and glorify God, not for myself or for men.